My Heart Bleeds Words

Inner Life of Pua Nani


I know very well what I did wrong.  I should not have answered his texts and calls right away.  I should not have agreed to meet him whenever he wanted.  I should not have had sex with him so quickly and frequently.  I should not have made elaborate efforts to entice him to want me.  I should not have loved him.  I should not have wanted to be with him.  I should not have gotten upset when he rejected me.  I should not have let him see that he was affecting me emotionally.  I should not have wished for a life with him.

I should have walked away before I ever met him.  I should have honored the vision that I saw before my eyes, the knowing that he would simply use me and discard me, and cancelled our first encounter.  But the realities that I saw within my inner…

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The Game of Love

Another update from the battlefield of love

Inner Life of Pua Nani

Right now it feels like the cards are stacked against me in the game of love.

I lost my lover and that hurt a lot.

Then the Glassblower suddenly reappeared to fill the void. That was strange. I’ve noticed a pattern where the last few times he has reached out to me just happened to have been when my lover was away or we were separated. Maybe my energy is different at those times. Perhaps I appear more vulnerable and receptive.

The Glassblower came over to my apartment two nights in a row last week. The second night he stayed the night with me. His son was sleeping at his ex wife’s house.

Sex with him is…spotty and uneven I guess…sometimes it can be very good or even great, but other times mediocre, even awkward.  Yet he is consistently fantastic at cuddling.  Part of the issue with him is that…

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The Glassblower, Part 2

Inner Life of Pua Nani


The Glassblower is on my mind again. He is playing some kind of game with me, the usual game of love.

Every time I completely give up on him and lose interest, he reappears again.

To continue the story from my last post, The Glassblower Part 1:

A month or so after our initial date, I ran into the Glassblower at a reggae show. He was all over me that night, couldn’t keep his hands off me. The next day he called me and invited me to hang out with him.

He came to my house with his 5 year old son. They wanted to go see a kid’s movie which would have bored me, but it turned out it wasn’t playing, so I suggested that we go for a hike instead.

We went through the entrance to the woods and drove deep into the forest. It was a…

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Lost My Groove

Update from the front, on the battlefield of Love

Inner Life of Pua Nani

I was so depressed today. Yesterday was an intense day for me. Things sort of came to a head within my life.

As I mentioned in my last post, the Nawab, the Indian guy I dated last year, who wants to marry me, was to be returning this weekend. I was closely tracking the changes in my inner state associated with his impending arrival.

I was looking forward to seeing him but worried. I find that usually if I spend time with one guy, any other guy that I have been dating disappears. There is something peculiar about energy flow with this. I picture it like unconsciously the one guy knocks the other out of my energy field and then the other simply fades into the background. I have observed this pattern occur so many times. Usually I cannot connect with the other guy again for awhile until I spend…

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